I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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