I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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