Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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