im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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