I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
