OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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