The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
