I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
