everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
