You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
