Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
