he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
