im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
