just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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