You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Why is your signature on my underwear?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
