I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
