the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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