____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
