You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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