Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
