i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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