We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
