I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
