i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
