blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
