If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
