Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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