Ambien. No doubt about it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Randomize
