I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
