peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
