Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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