winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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