I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
