SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I miss vodka workout Fridays
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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