i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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