Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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