WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
