I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
