so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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