and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
