let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
