you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
