Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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