i already hear my dad disowning me
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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