upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
