Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
