oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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