I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I had to cum in my sink.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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