Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
