Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
