I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
