I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
