If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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