Please, let me fuck your mom
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
