im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
